“Did you see last night’s ratings?” Lucy burst into
Calista’s dressing room. “We killed Law & Order,
football, everything. Two lesbians kissing against an
Everybody Loves Raymond repeat? The other networks
didn’t even try. We rule Monday nights, Calista!”
“Yes, it was an… interesting show,” Calista raised
her eyebrows, allowing herself a little smirk. She put
down the script she was reading and gave Lucy a
congratulatory hug. She thought Lucy held the hug a
little too long and clung a little too tightly but it
was after all their highest rated episode yet. “America
loves lesbians,” Calista quipped as they broke apart.
“I’ll say. Wait until you see next week’s script. We’re
going to do things no one’s ever seen on TV before. At
least not on network TV,” Lucy said excitedly and
handed Calista the script.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this?” Calista exclaimed as
she flipped through the script. “This picks up from the
end of this week’s episode. Correct me if I’m wrong but
haven’t we already shot the next four episodes? As in
finished, complete, in the can?”
“Yes, but you know ‘Crazy Kelley.’ He can whip up a new
script overnight. He said he had a dream about where he
wanted to take the show.”
“But the expense! Four taped shows in the trash? I
can’t believe it,” Calista said, shaking her head.
“Oh, they won’t go to waste. He’s going to show them on
the half-hour Tuesday night show as sort of an
alternate Ally. He wants to start filming next week’s
show today. We’re already behind schedule. Better learn
your lines quick, girl,” Lucy grinned and waved goodbye
to her costar.
“Yeah, bye,” Calista said absent-mindedly as she
started reading from page 1.
“Jane, have you read this script?” Calista demanded,
cornering the blonde actress by her trailer.
“Yeah, isn’t it groovy? I get to flesh out Elaine’s
fluffer role, as it were,” Jane Krakowski oozed.
“No, it’s not groovy. The whole thing I think is sick!”
(nod to Slipknot fans if there are any out there)
“Good grief, Calista. When did you turn into such a
“I’m not being prudish, Jane. Did you even read the
“I read my parts, Miss Flockhart. I can’t be expected
to memorize everyone else’s lines,” Jane said with mock
haughtiness and shrugged her shoulders.
“Oh, you are a terrible liar, Jane,” Calista fumed and
Jane cocked her head and watched Calista’s ass as she
“This is going to be fun,” Jane murmured to herself.
“Gil! Gil!” Calista flagged down the actor who plays
her ex-lover Billy. “What did you think of the script?”
she asked, slightly out of breath from chasing him.
Gil considered the question for a moment. “I think it’s
a great idea. It really speaks to the internal
conflicts your character is having.”
“Yes, but does it have to be so… graphic? I thought
we were all about innuendo.”
“Well, yes, but apparently our sponsors have expressed
an interest in pushing the envelope,” Gil explained.
“Excuse me, Calista, I have to do a scene.”
“Couldn’t we just get new sponsors?” Calista shouted
after him as he hurried off.
“CALISTA, YOU’RE NEEDED ON SET 2.”
Calista looked at the loudspeaker with barely disguised
annoyance and stalked toward the set of her office.
“Ok, put the paddle in her desk drawer,” the director
motioned toward the prop men.
“Wait a minute,” Calista exclaimed. “What paddle in
“Calista, darling,” the director gushed. “Come join
“Where’s David? I have to talk to him.”
“David can’t be here today. Busy banging out next
week’s script or maybe a movie or something, I don’t
know,” the director said, placing a hand on Calista’s
back and moving her toward her desk. “You’ve learned
“Yes, some of them, but this is a practical joke,
right? We can’t actually show this stuff on TV, can
we?” Calista protested.
“Don’t worry about it, most of it is ad lib anyway,”
the director said, ignoring her questions.
“Does everyone have to be here for this scene?” Calista
asked, noting the grips, prop men and even the caterers
lounging around, eating donuts.
“Ally! Get on your knees when I’m in the room.”
Ally looked up to see Ling Woo standing in her doorway
in a black dress, her hair in a severe bun. She stood
with the door wide open waiting for Ally to respond.
“Uh… hi, Ling. Uhmm… what did you say?” Ally asked
“You heard what I said. Now do it!” Ling said angrily.
Ally eyed the open door and slowly rose from her desk.
It didn’t escape her attention that wardrobe had given
her a pink dress to wear today. The hemline was the
standard outrageous length. Walking slowly toward Ling,
Ally looked at her and saw the headiness of power and
the heat of passion in her eyes. Either Lucy was an
incredible actress or she was really getting into this
role. At any rate, Calista resigned herself to
finishing the scene. She had a role in final approval
of all episodes so she would discuss the scene with
Ally sunk slowly to her knees in front of Ling. In her
peripheral vision she could see Elaine looking through
the doorway from her desk. Ally shot her a dagger look
to dissuade her from peeking but Elaine stared
“Uhm, Ling can we shut…”
“Silence! You have not been given permission to speak,”
Ling said loudly, turning more heads from the cubicles
Ally jerked her head back at the admonishment and gave
Ling a look of shock.
“Put your hands on your head. Clasp them together
behind your head. Interlace your fingers. Good. Now
spread your knees apart. Do it!”
Ally spread her knees apart, aware that her skirt rode
up in proportion to the width of her legs. She curled
her lip at her openly gaping coworkers but they stared
anyway and maneuvered to get a better look.
“That’s the position you should assume whenever you are
in my presence,” Ling said sternly. “Say you
“I understand,” Ally said quickly.
“I understand, Mistress.”
“I understand, Mistress,” Ally repeated.
“I like the way the word sounds on your lips,” Ling
said, caressing Ally’s cheek.
“Thank you, Mistress.”
“Do you like me, Ally?”
“Did you enjoy kissing me?”
Calista hadn’t had time to memorize all her lines but
the director had said it was mostly ad lib so she did.
“I liked the softness of your lips, the tenderness of
your embrace, the taste of your lipstick, Mistress,”
Ally admitted in all truthfulness. The submissive
posture and the return of the warm feelings she had had
while filming the episode combined to make her feel
vulnerable and girly before her dominatrix.
“Tell me what you would do to please me if I gave you
Ally closed her eyes and let her secret fantasies
spring up in her mind. She licked her lips and began
with a soft voice. “First, I’d start with your feet…”
“Okay, I’m bored,” Ling said abruptly. They would edit
in the sound of a screeching car ending in a crash in
postproduction. “Maintain this position for five
minutes after I leave and then go back to your work.”
Ling walked out, leaving the door wide open.
Ally could feel her coworkers’ eyes on her as she knelt
in her submissive pose. She didn’t want to look at
them, but she was morbidly curious to know who all was
out there. Hopefully it wasn’t Billy or…
“Fish!” Ally exclaimed as her boss came in and picked
some folders up from her desk.
“Hey, Ally. Did I give you permission to speak? Just
Bygones. We go to trial in 10 minutes. Be there or
beware,” Fish said brightly and tapped Ally on the head
with the folders. Ally watched Richard Fish as he
turned the corner, whistling all the while.
“And the camera cuts away to a computer-generated
picture of a panting dog in Ally’s dress. I’m also
considering a harem girl costume. What do you think,
Calista?” the director furrowed his brow.
“What do I think? I think this is mondo bizarre. And
Why would Fish act so nonchalant?” Calista complained.
“That’s the beauty of it, Calista. Ally explores her
submissive side and thinks she’s breaking new ground
but her close friends don’t notice because they’ve
always knew she was that way. Meanwhile her casual work
acquaintances, the secretaries, the clerks, the copy
machine repairman are all shocked to see a
distinguished lawyer acting so bizarrely. It’s great
“I don’t know. I just don’t know. Can you see my
panties on camera when I was kneeling? I don’t want
that on the show.”
“Calista, stop worrying so much. We’ll fix everything
Grab a grape or something for breakfast and watch the
other scenes,” the director grinned.
“Ha-ha,” Calista said blandly at the lame joke but
smiled at him anyway.
“What’s this? What IS this?” Calista nearly screamed.
“Shhh!” Lisa put her finger to her lips. “Cage is
having performance anxiety with Nell so Elaine is
helping him out.”
Calista stared at the actress who plays her roommate
Renee on the show. “And you don’t see anything wrong
with this scene?” Calista demanded to know.
Lisa snorted and looked at Calista with amusement.
“Grow up, Calista. This is Hollywood and this,” she
pointed toward the set, “this is great acting.”
With wide eyes, Calista took in the scene.
The camera travels slowly along the ground, showing
empty stalls in the bathroom. In the background we hear
wet smacking noises and low groans. Finally the camera
passes a pair of feminine legs sticking out from
underneath a closed stall door. As we watch the legs
cross at the ankles and we hear a Barry White song rise
up to a full crescendo.
“Thank you, Elaine. I think I’m ready for Nell now,”
John said matter-of-factly from his seat on the toilet.
“Glad to help,” Elaine said and licked John’s shaft one
more time for good luck.
Elaine looked up straight into the overhead camera and
smacked her lips.
“Cut! Nice, Jane. One for the bloopers reel. Let’s try
it again,” the director shouted through his megaphone.
“What happened?” Calista tried to get a better angle
but couldn’t see around the prop stall door.
“They’re just goofing around. Jane made a funny noise,
I think,” Lisa answered.
Calista shook her head. “Really, Renee, I know Billy
and Georgia did it in the stalls but oral sex? Between
John and Elaine? It doesn’t seem right.”
Lisa rolled her eyes at the star of the show and chewed
on her fingernail.
As the camera rolled, Elaine took John in her mouth
again and began sucking on him. Between the two actors,
they had committed enough bloopers to fill a highlight
reel of their own. The director suspected many of the
gaffes were intended soley to drag out the scene and he
didn’t blame Peter at all. If he could do a sex scene,
he would want Jane’s lips wrapped around his own cock
as well. Or maybe Jennifer Love Hewitt’s sweet mouth.
That would surely be the time of *his* life. Maybe I
could make a niche for myself shooting dirty versions
of all the TV shows, he thought to himself. Third Cock
From the Sun. Law and Discipline. Sabrina’s Teenage
Clit, Pokeaman, Just Blow Me, Buffy the Vampire Layer.
The possibilities were endless.
Elaine’s left hand cupped John’s balls and gently
squeezed. John almost stood up in shock. She hadn’t
done that in the last take, he thought and then settled
back on the toilet. Just as he felt his come rising,
Peter reached back and flushed the toilet causing Jane
to erupt in laughter while her mouth was still stuffed
full of his cock. Peter had to admit it was not an
“I like a fresh bowl,” he said, repeating his famous
line to howls of laughter from the set.
“OK, let’s get Peter to the next set while he’s still
hard,” the director shouted. Calista’s jaw dropped when
she saw Peter emerge from the stall in only a pair of
boxers and sporting an obvious tentpole. Her eyes
darted to Jane who was wiping her mouth with the back
of her hand. Jane caught Calista’s look and raised her
eyebrows at her.
“Okay, please tell me they weren’t actually… Lisa?”
Calista looked around for her friend but she was
nowhere to be found. She followed the crowd to the next
set which was Nell’s office. She could see Portia
fixing her conservative business attire in the mirror
before they hauled it away.
“Quiet on the set!”
John summoned his courage and knocked on Nell’s office
“Come in,” he heard Nell’s professional tone of voice
from the other side of the door.
“Nell, I need to speak to you about last night,” John
“Shh. It’s OK, John. I know what you were trying to do.
I think it was sweet. But next time how about a little
warning and a little slower pace with the whacks, OK,
lover?” Nell smiled and moved closer to her boyfriend.
Her hand reached out and caressed his crotch. John
squirmed under the touch.
“Oh my, you came prepared, huh, studboy?” Nell teased
and clutched at the cock beneath his trousers.
“Porkchops?” Nell said, stifling a laugh.
“Yes, porkchops. Brady Bunch. Never mind. I came to
apologize for my behavior. I was completely out of
line. I would never…”
“John, I said it’s okay. I want you to spank me. Please
spank me,” Nell pouted, loosening her skirt and letting
it drop to the floor. John stared in wonder as Nell
undid the bun in her hair and let her blond hair
cascade down around her shoulders. Nell removed her
blazer and stood before John in a half-unbuttoned white
blouse and a pair of black lace panties.
“So how do I…should I just…” John held a closed
fist to his mouth as he studied the situation.
“Why don’t you have a seat, John? On this chair.”
Cage sat rigidly on the plain wooden chair as Nell
stood before him. Nell stared down at him as she
reached around and undid the clasps of her bra.
Shrugging her shoulders, Nell slipped the bra through
the armhole of her blouse and wrapped it around his
neck. Sitting on John’s lap facing him, Nell proceeded
to give him a lapdance while intermittently cutting off
his air supply. John’s hands hung limply by his side as
she had her way with him. John had a raging hard on by
the time Nell slipped off his lap.
“Your turn,” Nell whispered hoarsely as she laid
herself stomach down on John’s lap and wrapped the bra
around her own neck. John grasped the bra in his right
hand and smacked Nell on her barely covered ass with
his left. Nell squealed and whispered “tighter.”
Closing his eyes momentarily to steel himself, John
twisted the bra to create a tighter noose and smacked
her again. Nell gurgled but didn’t say anything this
time. John alternated the pressure on her throat and
varied the rhythm of his strokes. Feeling emboldened by
her vocal cooing, John slipped her panties down to bare
her bottom. It was already a bright shade of pink and
John alternated his slaps between cheeks, transfixed by
his own handprints on her smooth flesh.
“Can they do that? Can they show her… ass on the show
like that?” Calista said aloud to no one in particular.
“Why not?” an extra answered. “They show men’s asses on
NYPD Blue all the time. Why not Portia’s?”
“Whatever,” Calista dismissed the extra with a wave of
“I have to do another scene.” Calista turned her back
on the set just as John let Nell up from his knee.
Calista arrived at the lounge where the gang often hung
out after work on the show. Vonda Shepard was there and
they exchanged small talk while they waited for the
rest of the crew. Pretty much everyone on the set
agreed Vonda’s singing was grating at best but David
liked her, so she got to stay on the series.
“OK, places everyone,” the director shouted as everyone
seemed to arrive at the same time.
Ally sat at a table with Fish, Cage, Renee, Ling and
Elaine. Nell stood nearby, leaning against a post,
watching Billy and Georgia slow dance. Ally offered her
a seat but she said she’d just as well stand, thank you
“Let’s dance,” Ling said abruptly and grabbed Ally’s
elbow. Ally had little choice but to respond to the
pressure on her arm. She’d never noticed how strong
Lucy was before. As they took the dance floor, Ling
wrapped her arms around Ally and made her do the same.
Ling’s hands explored the shallow curves of Ally’s ass
as they danced, bunching up her skirt as she squeezed
Ally leaned into Ling and let her do what she wanted.
Ling’s hands moved up her back and deftly unhooked
Ally’s bra through her blouse. Ally gasped as her bra
slid down to her waist. She didn’t remember reading
this in the script. Ling’s deft little hands unbuttoned
the bottom of Ally’s blouse and pulled the small
brassiere out and tossed it to the dancing twins who
amused themselves with it and incorporated it into
their dance routine. They pulled on either end of the
backstraps and leaned backwards, daring the fabric to
tear. But it held their weight and they gaily spun
around in circles with it.
Calista watched with horror at this new development.
Did David actually think this was funny or even erotic?
She tried to access her memory of the last pages of the
script but she found she couldn’t. She tried to stop
the scene to consult the director but everyone ignored
her and carried on with their roles. No one seemed to
care that the star of the series was talking straight
into the cameras and generally trying to disrupt the
Suddenly the music stopped and the microphone screeched
as Vonda tapped it with her fingers. “Ladies and
gentlemen, we have a very special treat. Ling Woo and
her trained monkey. Let’s hear it for them!”
The nightclub broke into applause and catcalls as Ling
snapped a leash around Ally’s neck and pulled her
toward the stage. “That’s our cue,” Ling winked at her.
Ally followed close behind Ling, her hands grasping at
the choker, trying to relieve the pressure. Ling sat on
a tall barstool that had been set on the stage and told
Ally to assume the position.
Ally looked around at her audience. Billy and Georgia
exchanged baby kisses as they watched her from the
corner. Elaine grabbed a table knife and was busy
spreading butter on her hand. Ally watched as she
dropped her hands and knees under the table. A few
seconds later Fish let out a surprised grunt and then a
slow smile spread over his face as he scooted closer to
the table. Elaine’s face was the picture of innocence
as she used her other hand to brush her hair back. Nell
had taken a seat on John’s lap as she let his hands
roam freely over her breasts, over and under her
blouse. Ally noticed Nell began a rythic humping motion
on his lap, was she? No, could she be… in public like
Ling struck Ally on her left breast with a riding crop
to get her attention. Ally instinctively covered her
breast with her hand to protect it and tried to massage
the sting away. Where had she gotten that thing, Ally
“The position, Ally!” Ling said sharply.
“Yes, Mistress,” Ally responded without thinking and
the crowd erupted in laughter. Ally sank to her knees
and raised her arms, settling herself into the position
she was required to assume. Things were moving too fast
for Calista and she didn’t know how to stop them. A
sharp crack of the crop on her right breast got Ally’s
attention again and she willed herself not to lower her
arms. The whole cast has gone insane, she finally
concluded. They’ve gone insane and taken me prisoner.
“It’s time you showed the world your devotion to the
Put your hands behind your back and keep them there,”
Ally did as she was told as Ling unbuttoned and removed
her black leather pants. She wore no lingerie beneath
and Ally could see she was not shaved completely but
was definitely very well-groomed. Ling sat on the
barstool again, raising her left knee and letting her
right leg extend fully to give the appreciative crowd
the full view.
“Ally?” The word came out as a question but Ally caught
the implied order underneath. Shuffling forward on her
knees, Ally closed her eyes and tentatively stuck out
her tongue. The tip of her tongue encountered the warm
smooth flesh of Ling’s thigh and she let it wander
until it encountered the short silky hairs.
Still afraid to open her eyes, Ally plunged her tongue
into Ling’s intimate folds and worked her tongue around
the sides. Ally noted that she tasted sweet; as if she
had added flavoring of some sort.
Aside from the humiliation of everyone watching, she
decided it wasn’t all bad and let her lips press up
against the Asian’s mound. Her nose rubbed against
Ling’s lower belly as she lapped at Ling’s moistness.
From out of seemingly nowhere the crowd started into a
rendition of Weird Al’s Michael Jackson parody: “Eat
it, eat it; Don’t you make me repeat it.”
Ling pulled back Ally’s hair so the camera could get a
good closeup of her pink tongue merging with the
pinkness of Ling’s own pussy lips. Ling ordered Ally to
keep her eyes open and look her in the eye. Ling
slapped Ally’s face with short crisp blows as she
suckled upon her. She tried to keep her eyes open but
instinctively shut them just before Ling’s hand landed
on her cheek.
Ling’s head was thrown back now and Ally dared to look
into the audience again from the corner of her eye
while her tongue slid and twisted its way over Ling’s
slick walls. Elaine had both fists pumping out in the
open on Richard and Billy. Georgia knelt next to
Billy’s chair and licked at his balls from one side.
Elaine’s fast-moving hand sometimes caught Georgia on
the nose but she was a trooper and kept at it. John had
removed his belt and was whipping Nell with it as she
clutched a support beam with both hands. Her tears
flowed freely but she didn’t make a peep out of respect
for the people trying the watch the show on stage. Ally
searched the crowd for Renee but couldn’t find her.
“Looking for me, bitch?” Ally heard Renee’s voice right
next to her ear. Surprised by the nearness of the
voice, Ally’s head jerked up but Ling’s strong hands
guided her back to her task. Ling held Ally’s head in
place as she got off the stool and laid on her back on
the stage, pulling Ally after her. Ling spread her legs
wide to accommodate Ally as she pushed on the back of
her head and ground Ally’s face into her pussy. Ally
heard the zipper on the back of her skirt and she
dutifully lifted each knee as the skirt was pulled off,
followed by her panties.
Ally found herself on her hands and knees with her ass
in the air as she bent forward to administer to Ling’s
needs. She was aware of cheering and hooting from the
crowd but the sudden coolness of gel being smeared into
her asshole by a pair of fingers was the only warning
she had that Renee had donned a strap-on and fully
intended to take her from behind.
“Here comes the pain,” Renee whispered into Ally’s ear
and plunged forward.
Ling wrapped her fingers into Ally’s hair and pulled
her face down and forward into her cunt, effectively
muffling her screams. Renee pumped into Ally furiously,
spanking her ass in time with the music as Vonda struck
up the band and played her theme song. It was all Ally
could do to maintain her balance as Renee plowed into
her from behind and Ling resumed her bitchslapping.
Ally thought she heard the director’s voice in the
background through the ringing in her ears and suddenly
everyone shifted positions. Ling sat up on her knees
and pulled Ally to her knees as well. Ling thrust her
head forward and planted a full kiss on Ally’s mouth.
Ally struggled briefly at the invasion and then began
kissing Ling back. As the two women embraced, Renee
stood next to them facing the crowd and squeezed a bulb
attached to her strap-on. Thick gooey strands of fake
cum spurted from the head of the latex cock and landed
on Ally’s shoulder. Renee redirected the stream and
pumped at the bulb madly as she covered both women’s
faces with the sticky white substance.
Ling clutched Ally’s head, ensuring they wouldn’t break
their embrace until Renee had finished. Ally felt the
goo slide over her nose and some worked its way between
their mouths. She and Ling shared the same few ounces
of white slime between them, rolling it around and then
pushing it with their tongues into the other’s mouth.
It had a more consistent structure than normal sperm
and they were able to keep it going for over a minute
before Ally accidentally swallowed it. They finally
broke off their kiss and looked toward the audience.
The flashes nearly blinded Ally as everyone seemed to
have brought their still cameras to the set. Ling bent
forward and licked a glop of fabricated cum from Ally’s
cheek, causing a renewed frenzy of picture-taking. Ally
smiled for no reason on earth other than she had been
taught from infancy to smile pretty for the camera.
Renee helped Ally wipe off her face with a towel while
the video cameras swung around to catch Elaine taking
both men in her mouth at once and then spitting the
deposited cum into Georgia’s face. Nell screamed in
agony as John fucked her ass and beat her with a metal
spatula he had grabbed from a caterer. He jerked out
and came all over Nell’s abused behind. Nell reached
back and massaged the cool cream into her skin, hoping
it would quell the burning.
“Congratulations, Calista. You made your first porno.”
“David! Have you been here all along? Did you set this
Calista questioned the producer, not knowing what to
think at this point.
“Well, I have to admit, I got some help from your
castmates here,” David waved his arms to indicate the
small group of actors who had taken the stage.
“We always wanted to make a dirty “Ally McBeal” episode
for our own private collections but we figured you
would be too uptight about it,” Courtney explained. “So
we had to trick you. Jane assured us you would come
around eventually and I dare say you did.”
“Well, the thing with Lucy was fun. I could have done
without the ass-fucking, though,” Calista groaned and
rubbed her butt.
“Oh come on, Calista. You know you love the penis,”
“Okay, I do,” Calista finally admitted with a shy half-
“Say it,” Lisa said in a sing-song voice. “Say you love
Calista scanned the faces of her friends. “I love the
penis,” she finally declared with a smirk to a standing
ovation from the crowd.
So each cast member ended up with a videotape of the
day affectionately titled “Ally McSqueal” for their
home library. There were only supposed to be 10 copies
made but you know how that goes. Chances are a few
months from now everyone and their little brother will
have their own bootlegged copy to enjoy in the privacy
of their own home.