X Files (xxx files)

“Mulder?” Scully walked into the office she and
her partner shared. It appeared that Agent Mulder was
out, even though an assistant had told her he was in
their office.

Oh, well, she told herself, and decided to come
back after rinsing out the coffee pot. God only knew
how long the pot had sat festering over the weekend.
Mulder had, true to character, forgotten about it.

When Scully returned, Mulder was at his desk
with Langly, one of the Lone Gunmen-a group of con-
spiracy theorists-and they were talking to someone on
speaker phone.

After putting some fresh grounds into the coffee
maker, Dana walked across the room and sat on top of
her desk, facing Mulder and Langly. The men were talk-
ing excitedly about an alien fetus, apparently found
mummified outside of Helena, Montana, that the govern-
ment had allegedly taken from the scene to study and
then destroy.

x-files-xxx-parody-5

Scully rolled her eyes and covered her face in
her hands. Please not another of those days, she
pleaded silently.

She looked up when the man on the other end of
the line began disputing Mulder and Langly, who
apparently believed the story. “You guys would buy
anything with ‘UFO’ written all over it,” said the
gruff voice.

Ew, she thought, and regretted her schoolgirl
reaction to the voice of Frohike, a member of the
Gunmen who had a crush on her. She heard him continue,
“The theories you are feeding me are ludicrous!” After
a brief pause, Frohike asked, “Hey, Mulder, have you
asked your gorgeous co-worker her opinion?”

Scully cringed, and Mulder laughed. Without
turning around–or even seeing her come into the room
at all–Mulder asked, “Hey, Scully, what do you think
about a mummified alien fetus?”

How does he do it? She wondered silently, but
answered, “Save it for Weekly World News, gentlemen.”

As Mulder and Langly took turns laughing into
the phone, Frohike could be heard on the other end
protesting, “I don’t think that’s funny.”

Scully shook her head, thinking, It’s gonna be
another of those days. At least, so far, the week was
consistent.

Frohike had hung up, and Langly could be heard,
through his laughter, telling Mulder he had to leave.
Mulder wished him good luck on finding the fetus, as
Scully opened up her PowerBook and opened her field
report, the one she would have finished last night if
her dog hadn’t been throwing up.

As she started to furiously type the last few
paragraphs, Mulder had shut the door and gone back to
his desk. He sat down and began munching sunflower
seeds as he pulled a manila envelope from under the
blotter on his desk.

“Hey, Scully,” he said, waving the envelope in
the air. She looked up, and he tossed it over to her
desk. It landed right in the middle of her PowerBook,
somehow managing not to erase the whole file.

Scully looked up and caught Mulder with a cold
glare. Mulder returned with a sheepish smile.

“Could we try using our indoor manners, Mulder?”

“Aw, do I have to?” Mulder stood up and crossed
to her desk in one step. Sitting on the edge, he said,
“That’s some evidence. Care to guess what it’s
evidence of?”

Scully answered without looking up from the
keyboard. “The effect of gamma rays on man in the moon
marigolds?”

“You read too much,” Mulder answered, opening
the envelope and pulling out a thick folder and three
sheets of photos. “Actually, Scully, these files and
pictures prove that Langly and I weren’t just fooling
around. Take a look, Scully. There’s no way those
could have been faked.”

“Unless it was by a professional photographer
working for the government,” Scully told him after
glancing at the photos.

Mulder put the photos back into the envelope,
remarking, “I think you’ve been hanging out with me
too much. Anyway, you can bring that with you on the
plane.”

“Hmm? Plane? Let me guess: we’re going to
Montana.”

“No,” said Mulder, taking the envelope back to
his desk. “We’re going to the moon.”

Scully had jaunted home long enough to pack
some clothes for the trip, some extra diskettes, and
to take Queequeg and his things to her mother’s for
the duration of her absence. Then Mulder drove them
to the airport.

Upon seeing the tickets, Scully saw that Mulder
was right–they were going to the moon. Moon, Montana,
home of the Incredible Alien Fetus. She quickly
finished her last field report, then started a new
one for this case.

Putting her PowerBook away just in time for the
in-flight meal, Scully checked to see if Mulder had
left the bag with the folder on the floor before him.
It wasn’t there, so she gently asked, “Mulder?”

He was sleeping, and didn’t respond. Scully
repeated his name three more times, but her partner
was, it seemed, a very deep sleeper. How the man could
sleep on an airplane was a mystery to her.

Scully tried poking Mulder in the arm a couple
of times, which didn’t work, either. Finally she
leaned back against the window, staring at him in
silent defeat, actually trying to will him awake.

When that got boring, Scully found herself
studying Mulder’s face. While there was nothing about
him that stood out–except his hair–Scully noticed
things she hadn’t seen before. It was strange to
really look at someone for the first time…

The flight attendant wheeled by the aisle, and
handed Scully a small, old-looking tray. As it crossed
over Mulder, he snapped awake, seeing the attendant,
and said without being asked, “I’ll just have coffee,
thanks.”

Scully bit her lip to keep from giggling. Of
course, she should’ve known that only airline food
could rouse her eccentric partner.

“Now that I have your attention,” Dana told
him before biting into a bagel, “I’d like to see that
folder you have. This will probably be the only chance
I have to study it.”

Rubbing his eyes, Mulder stood up and opened
the overhead compartment, retrieving a black duffel
bag. He handed it to Scully before taking his seat
again, and as she reached in for the folder, Mulder
started to search for a book he was reading.

The agents looked up at each other, smiled, and
then Mulder drew his hand away long enough to let Dana
get the folder.

As she chewed on a rubbery scrambled egg, Scully
read and reread the first page of the file, occasion-
ally scoffing at the paper while spitting out pieces
of eggshell. Checking every word thoroughly, Scully
made some mental notes about details of the case in
relation to what she knew to be fact.

Mulder, meanwhile, was perusing a copy of “The
Amityville Horror” given to him by Langly that morning.
It was surely the second or third time he’d read it,
except he’d recently loaned his copy to the Gunmen so
they could point out the inaccuracies of the account
in the margin. This was because, Mulder claimed, he
couldn’t bear to read “Private Parts” in public.

Scully finished reading the report and got out
her PowerBook again to add to her field study. As she
typed, there was an occasional snicker from Mulder as
he took in some of the penciled-in commentary. Peeking
over his shoulder, Scully noticed he was laughing at
someone’s illustration of the puking nun.

As she finished saving the new file, the
stewardess came by to collect garbage. Scully handed
over her tray and the cup she’d used to spit eggshells
in, glaring at the attendant as she did. Then she
dropped the folder into Mulder’s lap, knocking the
book shut.

“Hey–” he muttered, picking up the folder and
shoving it back into the duffel bag. Scully just smiled
and told him, “Now we’re even.”

The plane landed in Helena around an hour later.
Scully and Mulder were now both engrossed in the
Gunmen’s edition of the Lutz haunting, Mulder laughing
every so often, Scully pointing out, “That is not
true” or “That couldn’t have happened.”

After retrieving the rest of their luggage, the
agents went to the rental counter, then went out to
their car. Mulder got in the driver’s seat and started
the car.

“How far away is Moon?” asked Scully as she
examined the scenery.

“Maybe a mile or two outside Helena. Oh, I
forgot to tell you, we have adjoining rooms.”

Scully’s jaw dropped, and she exclaimed, “Damn!
What happened?”

“It was all they had at the motel,” Mulder
answered with a shrug. He added, “Don’t worry. Keep
your door locked, and maybe when I sleepwalk I won’t
shave your head.” He grinned, apparently very amused
with that prospect.

“Don’t shave my head. Do you know what it costs
to find real pigs’ blood to wash it in?” Scully
returned. Maybe they’d been reading too much of that
book on the plane, Scully thought.

The agents settled into their rooms before
setting out to Moon, population just under six
thousand. Scully drove along the gravelly back roads
while Mulder navigated her to the fetus’ location.

“What are we supposed to do if we find this,
Mulder?” she asked, preparing for whatever weird
statement came from him.

With a mouth full of sunflower seeds, he
answered, “Hold onto it as evidence of a world-wide
UFO cover-up, do some research into its biology, and
confront the Pentagon brass with what we find.”

“What do we confront the Pentagon with if the
whole thing’s a hoax? Or what if this thing is real
and we end up running for our lives again?”

Mulder was silent, deep in thought, until he
pointed to an old barn just off the road. “There,”
he said, and Scully pulled off the road and stopped.

They readied their weapons just in case, and
Mulder produced a small flashlight from his coat
pocket, flicking it on as they neared the barn. Almost
immediately Mulder was checking the ground around the
building, as well as the grass around it and the barn
itself.

Scully looked over the doorway of the barn,
noticing that the paint looked as if it had been
literally blown off the wood. She knew from looking
that the barn wasn’t more than thirty years old, and
if a tornado or very strong gust had done this much
damage, why was the house still standing?

Of course, she reasoned, local kids could have
knocked it off themselves with–

“Scully!” Mulder called, rushing around the
barn to his partner. “I’ve found something. Come
here.”

With a last glance at the doorframe, Scully
followed Mulder to the spot where’d he’d been looking.
Bending down, Mulder shone the small beam onto a patch
of brown, dry grass.

“Yes, Mulder, it’s apparently what Ufologists
refer to as a ‘crop circle.’ So what? It’s only dead
grass.”

“No,” said Mulder, shining the light closer to
the ground. As Scully knelt beside him, she saw what
Mulder had been excited over.

“Oh my God,” she whispered as she caught sight
of a tiny, dry object that resembled the arm of a
very small child.

When the coroner arrived at the barn with a
local cop, Mulder had already put the object in a
plastic bag, along with some of the grass and soil.
While he questioned the officer’s previous search
of the area, Scully went back to the door of the
barn. Not sure why at the time, she scooped some of
the chunks of dry paint on the ground. Joining
Mulder, she asked the coroner, “Would it be
possible for me to run some tests on the origins of
the object and the soil?”

The cop responded with a smug, “Sorry, Agent,
but our town’s coroner’s office isn’t some lab where
you can follow the instructions in a handbook.”

Scully looked the man dead in the eye as she
responded, “Sir, I am a medical doctor, and I think
I’m better qualified to determine the nature of these
findings than you or the coroner’s office. If you
like, I can show you my diploma–”

Backing off considerably, the cop answered, “No,
that’s fine. Sorry about that, ma’am.”

Scully nodded once and went back to the car,
followed shortly afterward by Mulder. As he got in
beside her, he was laughing softly.

“I think the sheriff’s due for some clean
shorts,” he quipped as Scully pulled out toward the
coroner’s office.

Incredulous, she glanced at Mulder and said,
“That was the sheriff? Thanks for letting me know.”

“Hey, he deserved it,” Mulder reasoned to her,
and she just nodded as she pulled into the office
parking lot. Evidence in tow, they entered the
building to find out what the “arm” really was.

Two hours later, the tests were still incon-
clusive despite Scully’s efforts. Mulder, waiting in
a chair beside the table, looked at his watch and
announced, “Midnight. Do you want to try again
tomorrow?”

Scully sighed, looking up at her partner, a
dour expression on her face. “I don’t understand.
This appears to be a perfectly preserved ash on the
outside. Despite its fragile appearance, it doesn’t
blow into dust or crumble at a touch. There’s no way
of telling what exact substance this is composed
from.” With tired reluctance, she pulled off the
goggles and cap, placing them back in her bag. “I
guess I can wait until I get back to Washington,” she
said to no one in particular as she put away her
tools and the bags of evidence.

Very suddenly, Mulder stood up, and said, “It
can’t wait that long, Scully. We don’t fly back until
the day after tomorrow. What if something happens?”

Scully was taken by the urgency in his voice,
but she’d heard the words before. “Mulder, ‘what if’
is not enough to go on. You’ve got to stop jumping to
conclusions.”

“What should I do, then?” he demanded. “If you
don’t think that arm in there is proof enough, think
about all the people who died because they knew too
much. That includes me, Scully. They died because of
their proof, but that wasn’t enough to make everyone
else believe. It’s funny,” he went on, getting his
coat, “that these people who don’t believe in the
unexplained also don’t believe that their government
has lied to them and killed its own people. How’s that
for a conspiracy?”

He didn’t wait for an answer. He simply left.
Scully hurried after him with her bag, meeting up
with him at the car. She put the case in the backseat,
then

“Genetic makeup of the apparent remains reveal it to be
a carbon-based organism, roughly estimated at between
one hundred -to- two hundred years of age. All fluids
were removed from the body at death, but considering
the area it was found in, mummification was not likely
practiced by Montana residents one hundred years ago.”
Scully paused the recorder she spoke into as she
noticed something else about the arm. “There appears
to be a significant amount of radiation in the limb..
as if it stems from the bone itself.”

I’ve had it with this thing, Scully thought.
Whatever it is, it gives me the creeps. Stopping the
tape recorder, she placed it on the table and began
removing her forensic gear.

Mulder had been in the records room looking for
documentation of any suspicious deaths that may have
been on file in the coroner’s office. He’d left quite
a while ago, too, so Scully left the lab to hunt him
down, first carefully securing her autopsy notes in
her case.

Nearly colliding in the hall, Scully met Mulder
halfway. “Sorry,” Mulder said, then pulled on his
coat and told her, “Nothing on record details any
account of odd goings-on. I know it’s a small town,
but I’m sure even Thornton Wilder would like to throw
a scandal into this place. It could possibly be a
cover-up, though,” he added. “I haven’t ruled that
out.”

Smiling, Scully noted, “Of course not.” They
left the building and headed for the car, Mulder
getting in the driver’s side.

“What did you find on the arm?” he asked after
starting the car.

“More than I did last night,” Scully answered.
“The arm is around two hundred years old, carbon-based
, radioactive, and dried out almost to the point of
being astronaut food. The grass and dirt you got was
also full of radiation. Some paint samples I picked
up at the scene were more recent specimens. The paint
was blown off the barn, but the barn still stands.”
She raised an eyebrow to make her point.

“Coincidence?” Mulder asked, not sounding at
all convinced.

“I don’t know. Um, I had this dream last night–
a nightmare, actually. It was about the arm, but I
don’t remember it all. I woke up and it vanished, and
all I know is I was terrified of the damn thing. Why
is that? It’s very dead, and rationally it can’t hurt me,
right?” Scully felt only a little better after this
confession, but knowing what Mulder thought could
either reassure or dismay her.

After a brief silence, he told her, “You’ve finally
lost your mind from exposure to logic.”

Despite his smile, Scully failed to see the humor.
“Dammit, Mulder! This isn’t funny–not to me, at least.
You can go ahead and laugh about it if you want! Doesn’t
that thing have any effect on you at all?” The outburst
was, so far, the most relieving part of the conversation.

Mulder glanced at her, startled. “I’m sorry, Dana,”
he told her. “I didn’t know it was that hard on you. Are
you gonna be okay?”

“No,” she said in a wobbly voice. “I’ll probably be
lucky if I ever sleep again.” She stared angrily out the
window, squeezing her eyes shut to keep any tears away.

The rest of the trip back to the motel was silent,
and after parking outside the door to their rooms, Mulder
turned to Scully and apologized again. “I really didn’t
know, Dana, or I wouldn’t have made that remark.”

“Forget about it. I know. Maybe I just should
have told you earlier.” She sniffed and opened the
door, taking her case from between the seats. Mulder
followed her closely as they entered the hall.

As soon as Scully was in her room, Mulder
heard her exclaim, “What the hell happened in here!”
He opened the adjoining door to find her standing in a
pile of trash and sheets in the middle of the bed. Before
he could speak, Scully had already gotten hold of the
manager again. “Do you bother to screen your maids,
or do you walk outside and pick up the first idiot in
the street?!?” she yelled at the man on the other end.
“Oh. Really. Well, that should give me sweet dreams.
I want you to get up here and clean this room yourself,
got it, you son of a bitch?” She slammed down the
phone and gathered all of her things into her suitcase.

“Where are you going?” asked Mulder as he
helplessly watched her.

“I’m gonna sleep in the car,” she answered
shortly. “You want to know what the maid did in here
after I left? Let her boyfriend come in with her! I don’t
believe this place!”

Mulder stepped in front of her and said, “You
aren’t sleeping in the car, Scully. You can have my
room, and I’ll take the other one.”

“No,” she protested. “I doubt if I can sleep any-
way.” “Dana, take the bed. I’ll just spread out in the
chair, okay? Don’t worry about me. You’ve got enough
to deal with.” Mulder put his arms around his partner,
slowly rocking her to comfort her.

To her surprise, Scully responded by returning
the embrace. Letting him hold her, she pressed her face
into his chest, trying not to cry as she slowed her
breathing.

It didn’t work very well, because she felt the
tears roll slowly down one cheek, a sob escaping her
body. Mulder still held her, for which she was grateful;
but not entirely so.

Gently, he kissed the top of her head, and Dana
looked up at him. Returning her gaze, he then leaned
to kiss her forehead. As they both realized where this
was going, Dana only whispered, “Fox…”

Their lips met slowly, both of them stunned
that it was happening. Despite any reluctance, neither
of them made a move to stop.

With hesitation that bordered on shyness, Fox
began unbuttoning his shirt, and Dana remembered
what she’d been thinking that morning. Her eyes
followed his fingers with anticipation, until his shirt
was, once more, open.

Dana sat on the bed to wait for what happened
next. She stared attentively as her partner next took off
his jeans, and Dana concentrated on this moment,
unconcerned with her previous worries.

Before Fox stripped of his shorts, Dana stood
again and pushed the shirt away from his shoulders
, then stepped out of her shoes and reclined at the foot
of the bed. Once her full attention returned to him, he
pushed the cloth down, and finally nude, spread out beside her.

Closing her eyes, Dana sat up and took off her
jacket, only to have Fox stop her as she tried to pull
off her blouse.

Holding her hands, Fox lifted the garment for
her, revealing the same pink bra as before. Timidly,
she resigned and let him undress her, pulling the
blanket over herself when he finished.

Joining her under the blanket, Fox touched her
cheek softly, and kissed her again, pulling Dana closer
to his body. He was warm, and Dana let herself become
folded into his arms. His mouth had gone to her throat,
drawing his lips gently along the slope of her neck. She
closed her eyes and rubbed her hands slowly over his
shoulders.

Fox had now moved down her body, surprising
Dana with quick kisses over her breasts, his tongue
gliding occasionally across a nipple. She sighed deeply,
realized she wanted to participate more actively.

As Fox came back to her, she kissed him
passionately, her fingers searching his skin. While her
lips covered his, Dana rubbed hard on his chest, waking
his senses. Fox laid beneath her, as if to surrender
himself to her whims.

Completely vulnerable, Dana took him, her
mouth and fingers exploring his body. She wanted to
know with her lips where his heart was beating, wanted
to feel the life and touch it with her own. She studied
one of his nipples with her fingertips, watching his
flesh turn a deep scarlet. Dana laid her head on Fox’s
chest, her lips barely grazing his ribs. Feeling them rise
and fall under her was so wondrous, she thought. When
she slowly kissed one swollen nipple, she heard him
moan, and felt it from his body.

Turning to his side, Fox let Dana nestle into
the curve of his body, kissing her deeply as he gingerly
stroked her breasts. His lips pulled from hers and
lightly touched her eyes. Dana returned his tenderness,
kissing his throat and jaw warmly. He laid back
beneath her, submitting to her desires, needing this
contact with her.

Lying over her partner, covering him with only
her body, Dana continued to draw her lips across Fox’s
skin. When she began stroking his stomach, her hand
drifted curiously down his body, revealing his hard
member. They exchanged glances, hesitant at first to
take the encounter any further.

Then Dana kissed Fox tenderly, and he knew
it was now. Their friendship would intensify with this
union, strengthening them both.

Preparing for the consummation, Fox laid over
her, and Dana lay bare beneath him. Their bodies
entwined, he joined with her delicately. Her slow,
ragged breath praised the moment, and Fox could
feel her heart pounding near his chest.

Rushed with rapture, Dana’s mouth drew near
to Fox, opening to cover his lips. Their tongues caught
together in a burning kiss that awakened them further.
Both of them were enchanted by the other’s ardor,
driving intensely to fulfill the core of their souls.

In unison, the couple labored to soothe their
mutual fire. Sweat covered their bodies, soaked their
skin. Dana felt her lover’s semen filling her emptiness,
feeling as if she might swoon from the sweet aching
in her belly. Now all that mattered to Fox was Dana’s
orgasm.

Utter bliss soon overtook Dana’s flesh while
he remained inside her, making love to her. Fox
pressed his lips to her throat, nuzzling her softly
as her body surrendered to his motions. A violent
shudder coursed through her muscles, easing the
surmounting desires.

By this time, Dana was exhausted, and as
soon as she closed her eyes after Fox kissed her once
more, she’d fallen asleep.

It was dark when Dana awoke suddenly. She
didn’t know what roused her, and at any rate, she
wasn’t completely awake. Trying to remember if she’d
turned out the lights, Dana realized what had woken her
up: the presence of someone in bed beside her.

Looking over to the bedstand, the clock said it
was only a little after midnight. Dana started to recall
what happened earlier, and guessed that Fox had put
her under the sheets and turned out the light after she’d
fallen asleep.

“Mulder? You awake?” she whispered, peering
through the darkness to see if he would respond. He
didn’t reply, and Dana laid back down, her arm over
his chest, and she tried again. No response, but for a
hand on her arm as she ran her fingernails back and
forth across his chest.

“Hi,” Fox greeted her as he sat up beside her.
Dana was suddenly shy, and she drew her arm back
as she pulled the covers closer. “What’s wrong, can’t
you sleep?”

“Oh, well, I was asleep,” Dana told him, “but
I just woke up. I guess I’m not used to…” she shrugged,
letting the statement hang.

“Sharing a bed?” Fox finished for her.

She nodded, and heard Fox as he stretched.
“I’m not, either,” he told her. They sat in bed for a
minute more, before Fox noticed the time. Dana had
laid back down, and was trying to get comfortable.
She whispered, “Sorry I woke you.”

“What are you thinking, Dana?” Fox asked
her suddenly as he curled up beside her. Feeling
conspicuous, she answered, “What do you mean?”

“Are you wondering how things will be now?
Do you feel any different about me?”

Dana sighed. “Should I?” He didn’t answer at
first, and the silence was so long that she thought for
a moment that Fox had fallen asleep. Her assumption
turned out to be wrong, as he sighed deeply and slid
an arm around her waist.

“I don’t suppose you’ve ever heard that ancient
civilizations believed sex to be a way of reaching the
gods,” Fox told her unexpectedly. “They believed that
the union of two bodies was symbolic of a joint spirit.
Some cultures had a tradition of watching newlyweds
consummate their marriage right there at the alter.”

“You’re not trying to propose to me, are you?”
Dana asked wryly.

Laughing softly, Fox asked again, “Haven’t you
ever heard of such customs? I mean, look at voodoo.
The orgies at the ceremonies weren’t just tension breakers
for those people. They were seen as a holy ritual.”

Curiously, Dana said, “Are you comparing
those rituals to us?”

“Think about it,” Fox explained. “We are
essentially hunters of the supernatural. What better
way to strengthen ourselves against the evils of the
world than to share our spirits?”

“So what you’re telling me,” Dana said, “is that
all you got out of it was another superstition?” Her voice
was tinged with just enough anger to indicate she was
upset.

Fox held Dana more tightly, closer to his own
body. “I didn’t say that,” he whispered, close to her ear.
“I never intended to hurt you.”

“No, you didn’t,” she whispered back. “I know
that. I needed you, but I was just scared and nervous.
One of those days.” As she finished the sentence, Fox
began kissing her shoulder. She leaned back into him,
and they stayed there quietly for a few minutes.

Longing once more hit Fox, intensifying with
each kiss. Dana turned over to face him, resting her
hand on his chest, and their lips met again. She stopped,
and asked Fox, “Does this mean our spirits are joined?”

“I’d like to think so,” he answered, keeping
hold of Dana as she turned back to him. She laid
a fing-er over his lips to quiet him, and whispered,
“Sealed with a kiss.” Fox began to come forward to
her, but Dana just pushed him softly back down.
Confused, he stayed back to discover what she
intended.

Her idea of a kiss didn’t involve his lips, Fox
learned as he watched Dana descend below the sheets.
The understanding came to him just as she settled
beside his hips, and the desire surged all the way
down his body. It wasn’t until he saw her there that
Fox knew he was ready again–ready forever, no
matter what she meant to do to him.